Bella B's Blog

Monday, February 1, 2010

PPD

Why is it so hard some times to talk about what’s going on in our lives? I often wonder why I (and a lot of other people I know) feel the need to constantly put on a front. Why can’t we just share what we are going through? Why can’t we be honest with ourselves and others about the struggles we are going through? And why do we feel such pressure to look and seem perfect all the time?

I know I probably have talked about this on my blog before, but I remember before I got pregnant, how excited I was to go through pregnancy. With the exception of one friend, everyone told me how great it was, how wonderful they felt, and on, and on, and on…. And then when I finally did get pregnant and things didn’t go the way I thought they would, I felt deceived. The funny thing was, I was SO determined to be honest with myself that whenever anyone asked I told them the truth. And once it poured out of my mouth, I found myself having in depth conversations with people about how awful it really was sometimes, and how hard it was to tell people that.

Once Nora was here, I thought things would get so much better. And they did in some ways. But we had another huge problem that I think people (okay, women) are afraid to talk about. And once again, I decided that I was going to be honest with myself and others. I haven’t talked about it much, or at all, on here, but we had HUGE problems nursing. I thought babies just came out knowing how to eat! How wrong I was in that assumption. But do you know what happened? Once I started talking about it and being honest about it, I found that quite a few women had the same problem. The same women who told me how great it was to nurse and how easy it was were reminded of the things they had forgotten. Time passes and I think we forget how hard things are so that we’ll go through it all again.

So the thing I’m wondering, is if I can be so honest with people who ask about nursing and pregnancy, then why can’t I be honest in other aspects of my life? Why are there certain things that are so taboo to talk about? Why do certain things have such a negative image?

So I feel a little bit like I’m at an AA meeting, but here it goes. I have postpartum depression. Whew. There, I said it. Much harder to say than I thought it would be. No one really knows outright (although I’m sure some people have suspected). I haven’t even told my mom or sisters (sorry mom and sisters!). I think that I have been nervous for people to know. There is such a stigma of failure that comes with PPD sometimes. Why can’t I be one of those perfect moms that have babies and 2 weeks later are balancing their lives better than they were before? Do those moms even really exist or are they just fakes who break down at home when no one is looking? Why did nursing not work for me, did I not try hard enough? Why can’t I keep up on laundry, keep a clean house, pump four times a day and get all of my work done and still spend quality time with Nora and Garrett, not to mention Bella? Lots of “whys” run through my head on a pretty daily basis.

I was officially diagnosed when Nora was about three months old. I remember going to the appointment already on edge, because I pretty much knew what was going to happen. I knew what she was going to say, and I didn’t want to face it because I felt like I was failing. Failing at being a wife and a mother. And when she told me, I cried. But the crying wasn’t anything new… I was so embarrassed. In my gut I knew it was there, but I just thought I’d get over it. But life doesn’t always work that way. The last three months have been an even bigger adjustment. I’m trying to manage this sickness (because that’s exactly what it is) naturally and on my own. Some days I succeed, others I don’t. But I’m making it through.

I’m not putting this out there to get pity. I don’t need to be coddled, or constantly checked on. I really am doing okay. I put this out there so that I’m being honest. Honest with myself and honest with others. And maybe if I’m being honest than it will open up the opportunity for someone else who is struggling to know that there is someone they can talk to who has been through the same thing. Who understands the pain and anguish that they are going through. Because it can be that bad. I wish sometimes that I had been honest earlier, because then maybe I would have found someone who I could have leaned on who had been through the same things. And maybe I still will. But if anything happens from this bout of honesty, I hope it’s that I can help someone else.

Six months have passed since my life changed dramatically. Six months have passed where I have lived for another human being. Six months of tears and laughter trying to get my life back in balance. It’s getting there. And even though these last 6 months have been hard emotionally for me, they were worth it. Because these last 6 months have taught me that I can do hard things. That even on the days when the house isn’t clean I am a good mom to Nora. That I can still be a good wife and not have dinner on the table. And that I can still be a good person and not be perfect.

And on that note, here is a picture of one person who has made these 6 months so incredibly worth it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Yummy Chicken

Just made a yummy dinner and thought I'd share. Not sure where I found the recipe, but it was relatively easy to make!

Braised Balsamic Chicken
Serves 6
6 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
ground black pepper to taste
1 teaspoon garlic salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 onion, thinly sliced (I used shallots)
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1 (14.5 ounce) can diced tomatoes
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried rosemary
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

Season chicken breasts with ground black pepper and garlic salt. Heat olive oil in a medium skillet, and first brown the onion and then add the seasoned chicken breasts and brown that as well. Pour tomatoes and balsamic vinegar over chicken, and season with basil, oregano, rosemary and thyme. Simmer until chicken is no longer pink and the juices run clear, about 15 minutes.

We served it over wheat pasta and I had garlic/shallot green beans (thanks to my sis Lish for the recipe). Yum!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Road Rage


Road rage. We’ve all had it at one point or another, right? Okay, maybe you haven’t because you are all angels and happy and never let anything bother you. I am not that person though. I’ve definitely experienced road rage more than once in my life. I’m not too proud to admit it! I’ve never feared for my life though. That is, until a couple of days ago.

A couple of days ago on my way to work I pulled on to the freeway entrance by our house. I was driving the car, not the tahoe. On the onramp, this big chevy truck pulled up behind me. I was going as fast as I could but there were quite a few cars in front of me. He didn’t seem to care though, and got right on my tail and turned on his brights. Once he could pass me, he did and then swerved right back in front of me. I was a little annoyed (little translates to a lot) and so I flashed my brights back. Just to let him know. I never should have done that. The guy pulled into the next lane, slowed down so I would pass him, and then proceeded to tailgate me for 20 minutes almost the entire way to work. I sped up, he sped up. I slowed down, he did. If I changed lanes so that someone else was behind me, he sped up and pushed his way between us. I even tried evasive maneuvers on 600 South to lose him, and he kept up. ARGHH!! It was so scary and frustrating! I finally ditched him at 9th East and 3rd South, but I think it was just him getting tired of his little game. Looking back at it, I should have called the police and given them my location so they could have stopped him. Hindsight is always 20/20 though. I’m just glad to still be here. And, it REALLY makes me re-think my habit of flashing my brights and honking. You never know who you might make mad.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

End Of Year Questionnaire....

So one of the blogs I read (or should I say LURK on?) All & Sundry posted an end of year questionnaire. I thought it was fun, so here is mine!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Gave birth. Wow. Craziness. It was so not what I thought it would be, but I’m so glad I did it! Nora is amazing. Dealt with breastfeeding issues. Who knew that babies didn’t come out knowing how to eat?

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


I didn’t make any resolutions last year I figured that making it through the year alive would be a miracle. I now know though that I can do hard things. Whew. Who knew. This year is going to be a big year for me though. The big 30. And I want things to be a lot different. I sat down on Sunday and wrote a HUGE list of things I’d like to do and or be better at (36 said items. I’m an over achiever). Here are just a few….

• Read the entire Book of Mormon by June. I’ve never been great at reading my scriptures. Last June we challenged the YW of our ward to read the book in an entire year. I started with them, and then for some reason got really busy and overwhelmed. Baby anyone?
• Be on time to church every week. Note that I did not say be EARLY to church. We really struggle at this as a family, and mostly it’s my fault. I don’t plan ahead well, and I hate that. I hate being late but it’s really become a part of my personality in the last 8 years. This year we will be on time to church.
• Be nicer to Garrett. I have to realize that we are two different people with different opinions on how things should be done. I’m not proud of this, but I’m not always nice when I think things are not being done the way I think they should be. I also think I take him for granted a lot. So, I really need to work on that.
• Blog at least once a week. I don’t keep a journal. I’m awful at that. And I haven’t written down anything for Nora about when she’s done things. I am really going to regret that, I know it.
• Eat more whole foods and less processed crap. I am not so good at this. Just plain need to be better.
• Run a 5K and a 10K by the end of the year. Every year I say I want to do this. This year I am picking two to work towards so I actually do.
• Have a date night at least 2 times a month with Garrett. We need to spend more time just the two of us so that we don’t lose our spark!
• Keep a cleaner house. I used to be great at this, but since Nora has joined our family, not so much. It’s driving me insane.
• Work on not being so easily hurt. I think I expect too much of people, and then let myself get let down. I need to not do that anymore!
• And last, but definitely not least, I need to learn how to say no. And how to not take on more than I can handle or need to handle.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


Myself (I would say I’m pretty close to me!), my sister, some cousins, some friends. Lots of babies around here this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?


Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?


So sad, but no countries. I wish we could travel more!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?


The ability to be a stay at home mom. We are so close! And, my body back. This pregnancy did a number on my already aging body. There are mornings I can’t walk. Must get this hip problem figured out!

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?


July 29. Nora joined our little family. That was HUGE.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Ha. I feel like my answers are going to be the same. Giving birth. That was monumental. And figuring out a way to feed Nora that made her happy and accomplished what I wanted too.

9. What was your biggest failure?


There are so many to count. Not being a better wife, mother, sister, daughter. I think I failed a lot at that this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?


A few. Torn back muscles during pregnancy, dealing with the hip problems afterwards.

11. What was the best thing you bought?


New crockpot…that has been so useful! I can’t really think of anything else…

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?


Garrett’s. He has been such a great father and husband. Helpful even when I don’t realize it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?


Can’t really think of anything specifically…maybe mine when I'm grumpy?

14. Where did most of your money go?


Paying off debt, groceries, oh and the greatest money sucker of all times—a baby.

15. What did you get really excited about?


Becoming a mom. Finally.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?


”The Prettiest Thing” by Norah Jones. It was on my labor play list and always makes me think of Nora Mae.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier, most of the time.
– thinner or fatter? Fatter. Working on it after giving birth. Sheesh.
– richer or poorer? Poorer, definitely. See above…Baby.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?


Relaxed and enjoyed the journey more instead of stressing about all the little things that just plain don’t matter.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Stressing and getting annoyed with other people who I cannot control.

20. How did you spend Christmas?


Going back and forth between both families for two days. It was fun! ☺

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I would say yes. I fell in love with Garrett again in a whole new way. And I have a new love in my life!

22. What was your favorite TV program?


Oh, I so watch too much TV. I love The Biggest Loser (first year watching it) and Community. Abed makes me laugh so much.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?


Nope.

24. What was the best book you read?


I read WAY too many books. Counted this year, and hit 110. No one particular book was the best, but I did find a new series that I love thanks to Grandpa Casler. Richard Jury series by Martha Grimes.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The “Baby Mine” lullaby CD from assorted artists.

26. What did you want and get?
A baby. Almost out of debt. Oh, and a baby…did I say that already? ☺

27. What did you want and not get?
To be debt free and a stay at home mom. We are close though. That will be 2010! An entirely new wardrobe. Oh how I want a new wardrobe. And all new shoes!

28. What was your favorite film of this year?


Wolverine. I love me some Hugh Jackman.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked convocation, went to dinner with friends and to a movie. Wolverine, actually.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A better attitude at times? I don’t know! It really was a nice year.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Maternity clothes. Ugh. Need I say more.

32. What kept you sane?


Garrett.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don’t know. No one person stands out!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?


Healthcare. Yucky.

35. Who did you miss?


This may be weird, but myself. I miss who I used to be sometimes. Comes with being a parent, right?

36. Who was the best new person you met?


My friend Gemma. I actually “met” her last year, but this is the year we became really good friends. I love her so much and really look up to her!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.


That as much as I stress about them, the little things don’t matter in the long run. What matters is how you treat people.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.


This song makes me think of this year and how much more I love Garrett and my little family. So here is the entire song. Gotta love Sting.

I Was Brought To My Senses

Alone with my thoughts this evening
I walked on the banks of Tyne
I wondered how I could win you
Or if I could make you mine
Or if I could make you mine

The wind it was so insistent
With tales of a stormy south
But when I spied two birds in a sycamore tree
There came a dryness in my mouth
Came a dryness in my mouth

For then without rhyme or reason
The two birds did rise up to fly
And where the two birds were flying
I swear I saw you and I
I swear I saw you and I

I walked out this morning
It was like a veil had been removed from before my eyes
For the first time I saw the work of heaven
In the line where the hills had been married to the sky
And all around me
Every blade of singing grass
Was calling out your name
And that our love would always last
And inside every turning leaf
Is the pattern of an older tree
The shape of our future
The shape of all our history
And out of the confusion
Where the river meets the sea
Came things I'd never seen
Things I'd never seen

I was brought to my senses
I was blind but now that I can see
Every signpost in nature
Said you belong to me

I know it's true
It's written in a sky as blue
As blue as your eyes
As blue as your eyes
If nature's red in tooth and claw
Like winter's freeze and summer's thaw
The wounds she gave me
Were the wounds that would heal me
And we'd be like the moon and sun
And when our courtly dance had run
Its course across the sky
Then together we would lie
And out of the confusion
Where the river meets the sea
Something new would arrive
Something better would arrive

I was brought to my senses
I was blind but now that I can see
Every signpost in nature
Said you belong to me
I was brought to my senses
I was blind but now that I can see
Every signpost in nature
Said you belong to me...


Happy 2010!

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Love

I love my husband. Because he is amazing. He is loving and supportive. He always makes me laugh with his antics. And he’s cute. All the young women tell me so. And so does he.


I love my body, even though I no longer look like this picture. I love that my body created this new life that’s with me. I love that even though my body doesn’t look the way I want it to, it still does amazing things. I can hold my baby. I can rock her to sleep. I can snuggle with her and sniff her sweet hair. I can toss her in the air and make her giggle. I love that my body has the ability to do these things.


I love sweet little Nora who just wants to be with me these days. Who even though she’s crying stops to attempt to pull a cheeser smile the second I pull out the camera.


I love nephews named Max that are super handsome. And who have little cleft chins. I love that Nora has so many cousins to grow up with. They will all be such good friends.


I love sweet little neighbor girls that love Nora like a little sister.


I love that sweet little neighbor girls love to spend time with me too. (Poor Abbie, having me do her hair. Haven't quite figured out how to produce hairstyles that stay super cute.)


I love puppy dogs named Bella, even though she’s been naughty and peed in the house a lot lately. She was really sick last week and I was so worried we would lose her.


But mostly today, I love my Savior. I love him for the sacrifices that he made for me. I love that he loves me unconditionally. For some reason this morning, my heart is full of love. Maybe it’s the season.